me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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