oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
