You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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