I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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