I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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