Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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