nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
