how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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