I feel like abortions should bother me more
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
