I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
