If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
