P.S. I can't hear my feet
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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