If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
