It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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