guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
