im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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