The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And then he peed in my hair
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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