At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
