why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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