Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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