Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
