my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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