I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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