So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
