I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
