i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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