The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vagina is talking i cant
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize