She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
