final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i love accidental penises.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
