if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
