no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
