I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
