I just threw up on my dentist
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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