I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
