so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
