Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
