You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
