I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
