My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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