before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
