Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
