I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
