the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i want to swaddle you in tequila
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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