I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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