he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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