i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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