Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
