Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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