Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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