please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
