I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
