I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
