i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
