Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
