We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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